Domestic Violence
Domestic violence:
getting help
You are not alone if you are a victim of domestic violence and
there are lots of organisations to help you.
What to do if you are a
victim of domestic violence
Domestic violence is one of the worst forms of abuse. It can
include physical assault, sexual abuse and verbal threats. It can
also include more subtle attacks such as pressure tactics, constant
breaking of trust, isolation, psychological games and
harassment.
It can affect partners in all types of relationships and can also
involve violence between parents and children.
If you are in an abusive relationship, there are three important
steps you can take.
- Recognise that it is happening to
you
- Accept that you are not to
blame
- Get help and support
In an emergency, you should call the police on
999 (minicom 0800 112 999). Domestic violence is treated very
seriously by the police and the courts.
You can also call the 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline
on 0808 2000 247.
There are other people and organisations you can turn to if you are
suffering from domestic violence. These can include your GP, local
support groups and charities.
Please click on the below link to be redirected to the
Bedfordshire Domestic Violence Partnership website. http://www.bedsdv.org.uk/
This website will give you further information about what to do and
who can help you if you are suffering from domestic violence.
What is domestic
violence?
There are a number of different definitions of domestic violence.
In Women's Aid's view, domestic violence is physical,
psychological, sexual or financial violence that takes place within
an intimate or family-type relationship and forms a pattern of
coercive and controlling behaviour. This can include forced
marriage and so-called 'honour' crimes. Domestic violence often
includes a range of abusive behaviours, not all of which are, in
themselves, inherently 'violent' - hence some people prefer to use
the term 'domestic abuse' rather than 'domestic violence'.
Domestic violence is very common: research shows that it affects
one in four women in their lifetime. Two women a week are killed by
their partners or former partners. All forms of domestic violence -
psychological, financial, emotional and physical - come from the
abuser's desire for power and control over an intimate partner or
other family members. Domestic violence is repetitive and
life-threatening, it tends to worsen over time and it destroys the
lives of women and children.
Crime statistics and research show that domestic violence is gender
specific - that is, it is most commonly experienced by women and
perpetrated by men, particularly when there is a pattern of
repeated and serious physical assaults, or when it includes rape or
sexual assault or results in injury or death. Men can also
experience violence from their partners (both within gay and
straight relationships); however women's violence towards men is
often an attempt at self defence, and is only rarely part of a
consistent pattern of controlling and coercive behaviour. For this
reason, we will generally refer to the abuser as 'he' and to the
survivor as 'she'.
Domestic violence also has an enormous effect on the children in
the family. Nearly three-quarters of children considered 'at risk'
by Social Services are living in households where one of their
parents/carers is abusing the other. A high proportion of these
children are themselves being abused - either physically or
sexually - by the same perpetrator. (Estimates vary between 30% to
66% depending upon the study.)
Any woman can experience domestic violence regardless of race,
ethnic or religious group, class, disability or lifestyle. Domestic
violence can also take place in lesbian, gay, bisexual and
transgender relationships. Domestic violence can also be
perpetrated by other family members (for example, extended family).
In some cases, older children - teenagers or young adults - are
violent or abusive towards their mothers or other family
members.
Although every situation is unique, there are common factors that
link the experience of an abusive relationship. Acknowledging these
factors is an important step in preventing and stopping the abuse.
This list can help you to recognise if you, or someone you know,
are in an abusive relationship.
- Destructive criticism and verbal abuse:
shouting; mocking; accusing; name calling; verbally
threatening.
- Pressure tactics: sulking; threatening to
withhold money, disconnecting the telephone, taking the car away,
taking the children away, or reporting you to welfare agencies
unless you comply with his demands; threatening or attempting
suicide; withholding or pressuring you to use drugs or other
substances; lying to your friends and family about you; telling you
that you have no choice in any decisions.
- Disrespect: persistently putting you down
in front of other people; not listening or responding when you
talk; interrupting your telephone calls; taking money from your
purse without asking; refusing to help with childcare or
housework.
- Breaking trust: lying to you; withholding
information from you; being jealous; having other relationships;
breaking promises and shared agreements.
- Isolation:
monitoring or blocking your telephone calls;
telling you where you can and cannot go; preventing you from seeing
friends and relatives; shutting you in the house. Harassment:
following you; checking up on you; not allowing you any privacy
(for example, opening your mail), repeatedly checking to see who
has telephoned you; embarrassing you in public; accompanying you
everywhere you go. Threats: making angry gestures; using physical
size to intimidate; shouting you down; destroying your possessions;
breaking things; punching walls; wielding a knife or a gun;
threatening to kill or harm you and the children; threatening to
kill or harm family pets; threats of suicide.
- Sexual violence:
using force, threats or intimidation to make
you perform sexual acts; having sex with you when you don't want
it; forcing you to look at pornographic material; forcing you to
have sex with other people; any degrading treatment related to your
sexuality or to whether you are lesbian, bisexual or heterosexual.
Physical violence: punching; slapping; hitting; biting; pinching;
kicking; pulling hair out; pushing; shoving; burning;
strangling.
- Denial:
saying the abuse doesn't happen; saying you
caused the abusive behaviour; being publicly gentle and patient;
crying and begging for forgiveness; saying it will never happen
again.
Is domestic violence a
crime?
Domestic violence can include a number of different behaviours, and
there is no single criminal offence of 'domestic violence'. Not all
forms of domestic violence are illegal; some forms of emotional
abuse, for example, are not defined as criminal - though these can
also have a serious and lasting impact on a woman's or child's
sense of well-being and autonomy.
However, many kinds of domestic violence constitute a criminal
offence, including physical assault, wounding, attempting to choke,
sexual assault, rape, threats to kill, harassment, stalking and
putting people in fear of violence.
Who is responsible for the
violence?
The abuser is always responsible for the violence, and should be
held accountable. There is no excuse for domestic violence and the
victim is never responsible for the abuser's behaviour.
'Blaming the victim' is something that abusers will often do to
make excuses for their behaviour, and quite often they manage to
convince their victims that the abuse is indeed their fault. This
is part of the pattern and is in itself abusive. Blaming their
behaviour on someone else, or on the relationship, their childhood,
their ill health, or their alcohol or drug addiction is one way in
which many abusers try to avoid personal responsibility for their
behaviour.
It is important that any intervention to address domestic violence
prioritises the safety of victims/survivors and holds the
perpetrators accountable.
Women and men, victims and
survivors
This handbook is primarily addressed to women for the following
reasons:
- The majority of domestic violence as
defined above is perpetrated by men and experienced by
women.
- Women's Aid's information and support
services exist to respond to the needs of women and
children.
However, most of the information here would
also apply equally to men who are on the receiving end of abuse,
whether from a male or a female abuser.
The terms 'victim' and 'survivor' are both used, depending on the
context. 'Survivor' is, however, preferred as it emphasises an
active, resourceful and creative response to the abuse, in contrast
to 'victim', which implies passive acceptance. If you are reading
this, then you are - at least to some extent - a survivor.
References
Department of Health (2002) 'Women's Mental health: Into the
Mainstream: Strategic development of mental health care for women'
(London: DH) Farmer, E. and Pollack, S. (1998) 'Substitute care for
sexually abused and abusing children' (Chichester: Wiley) Walby,
Sylvia and Allen, Jonathan (2004) 'Domestic violence, sexual
assault and stalking: Findings from the British Crime Survey'
(London: Home Office Research, Development and Statistics
Directorate)
Please click on download below to see an information
poster for the 24 hour Bedfordshire Domestic Abuse Information
line.
Domestic
Abuse Information Line